Jokes

ya it is lol now i look at goofy in a new way

SCREW HUGGING HIM AT DISNEYLAND...

if you do not do good at skydiving the first time, you probably shouldnt try it again

wow random much brandon lol

what do call it when it rains black men?
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fo drizzle.

i actually get it julo.

what do you call it when it rains nerds?
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precipitation

why couldn't the skeleton count?
He did have a brain....
(from a laffy taffy)

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the
dog for a walk around the block?" Mom
replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's
that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father.
I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes
to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk
around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you." Dad said,
"Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Pick Up lines___
Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"
Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?
As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me!
As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my butt? No. Dang!
At the Laundromat, "How much bleach should I put in with my good suit?"
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!
Dang!, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!
Did you know that there are 265 bones inside of your body? {Wait for answer} "Yeah, and I could show you how to get one more?"
Didn't I used to always pull on your ponytail in grammar school?
Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
Do you have any Irish in you? (if no…) Would you like some? (if yes…) Want some more?
Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
Do you like music? (Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo system at home!
Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
Does your boyfriend know where you are?
Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
Hi there! Do you want to see something really swell?
Hi!
Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?
Hi, how are you?
Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.
Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
Hi. You'll do.
How do you like your eggs cooked? [Why?] Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!
I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!!
I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking?
I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with you.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
If a women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You should answer: "Yeah! Do you have the energy?"
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
If I were to ask you on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.
I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
I've been slightly depressed ever since my vasectomy.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
Let's have breakfast together tomorrow; shall I call you or nudge you?
Lick your finger and touch the person, touch yourself with it and say, "Let's you and me get out of these wet clothes."
May I flirt with you?
Nice shoes. Wanna f***?
Oh my sweet darling! For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.
Overheard in our computer lab: Just because your computers are incompatible, doesn't mean we are.
Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
Say, did we go to different schools together?
Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?
Sorry to bother you, but I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, "Come on, we're leaving." (The key is to act like you know them.)
Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
Were you just smiling at me from across the room, or do I have my contacts in wrong?
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper
What's a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?
Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?
You are the only reason why I came in here alone.
You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb.
You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.
You're ugly but you intrigue me.

Stacy's Mom, the original song

Stacy’s mom is coming in the mail
Stacy’s mom is gonna be here soon
Stacy’s mom is coming from Guam
I just cant wait to meet Stacy's mom

Stacy can I come over after school? (after school)
I just want to meet your new mom (meet your new mom)
I heard your dad givin’ her the whip (give her the whip)
Is she there, or is she out bein’ a quean? (bein’ a quean)

You know, your mom is not like the others that I used to see
She ‘s all bruised up now, baby can’t you see

Stacy's mom is probably a fraud
She is only here to get a green card
Stacy, cant you see that you’re mother isn’t free
I know it might be wrong but Stacy's mom is a slave

Stacy's mom is not here for long cuz
Stacy's mom has got to pay to stay

Stacy, do you remember when your mom first got here? (first got here)
Your mom came out with shackles on (shackles on)
I could tell she hated it from the way she screamed (way she screamed)
And the way she said, “Please get me out of here!” (get out of here)

And I know that you think your dad is crazy
But since your mom walk out, your father bought another wife

Stacy’s mom is ‘bout to run away
All she wanted was to get a visa
Stacy, cant you see your moms just another fake
I know it might be wrong,
But Stacy's mom came from Guam

Written by Sean-Paul R.

From www.ragingsqusim.com
quotes[0]="Theres a whole lot more to you than there is to you.";
quotes[1]="ever since i graduated i have been interested in corn"
quotes[2]="its like ham and potatoes."
quotes[3]="I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!"
quotes[4]="We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
quotes[5]="Macs are like rocks, they are fun to throw."
quotes[6]="Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"
quotes[7]="Did anyone see my lost carrier?"
quotes[8]="Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
quotes[9]="I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!"
quotes[10]="He who laughs last thinks slowest!"
quotes[11]="Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
quotes[12]="Save the whales, collect the whole set"
quotes[13]="A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."
quotes[14]="Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
quotes[15]="There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
quotes[16]="Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity."
quotes[17]="Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now."
quotes[18]="Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
quotes[19]="I wont rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it."
quotes[20]="No one can kill Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris."
quotes[21]="Macs suck!"
quotes[22]="What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?"
quotes[23]="If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic."
quotes[24]="Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
quotes[25]="Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
quotes[26]="Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
quotes[27]="Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector."
quotes[28]="I used to have a handle on life, then it broke."
quotes[29]="Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."
quotes[30]="I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
quotes[31]="A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
quotes[32]="Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot."
quotes[33]="The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
quotes[34]="When there's a will, I want to be in it."
quotes[35]="Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?"
quotes[36]="Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
quotes[37]="I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
quotes[38]="We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
quotes[39]="All generalizations are false, including this one."
quotes[40]="Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
quotes[41]="Anybody who cant handle two mouse buttons deserves a Mac."
quotes[42]="Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy."
quotes[43]="GWAAA!"
quotes[44]="90% of all statistics are made up"
quotes[45]="A man needs a good memory after he has lied."
quotes[46]="A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over."
quotes[47]="A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience."
quotes[48]="Someone"
quotes[49]="No one pleases Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris."
quotes[50]="Can I lick your forehead?"
quotes[51]="Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?"
quotes[52]="Peel me a grape."
quotes[53]="Arby's is freakn' expensive!"
quotes[54]="Build a watch in 179 easy steps!"
quotes[55]="C++ should have been called B"
quotes[56]="COINCIDENCE happens."
quotes[57]="Lets make an anatomically correct snowman!"
quotes[58]="What is a Cho Chang?"
quotes[59]="Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery."
quotes[60]="I am Jesus! Hear me ROAR!"
quotes[61]="Macs: for those who cant handle the second mouse button."
quotes[62]="Pang!"
quotes[63]="Where did you get a pudding?"
quotes[64]="I dont believe in hermaphrodites."
quotes[65]="A day without sunshine, is like night."
quotes[66]="On the other hand, you have different fingers."
quotes[67]="Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
quotes[68]="If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments."
quotes[69]="OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
quotes[70]="When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
quotes[71]="Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now."
quotes[72]="Everyone has photographic memory, but some just dont have the film"
quotes[73]="How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?"
quotes[74]="Eagles soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines."
quotes[75]="What happens when you get scared half to death twice?"
quotes[76]="Why do psychics ask for your name?"
quotes[77]="If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off."
quotes[78]="I couldn't fix your brakes so I made your horn louder."
quotes[79]="If everyone in America joined hands, it would be pointless"
quotes[80]="If a quiz is quizical, what is a test?"
quotes[81]="Did you ever went to school?"
quotes[82]="A monkey with a laptop is still a monkey."
quotes[83]="You put the emo in emotion."
quotes[84]="Do you have tooth picks? Can i use them?"
quotes[85]="Is there pork in here?"
quotes[86]="Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes"
quotes[87]="All computers wait at the same speed."
quotes[88]="Software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
quotes[89]="There are 3 types of people, those who can count and those who can't."
quotes[90]="Oh look at you, rawr."
quotes[91]="Would you ever eat something called an egg black?"
quotes[92]="what do waffles and sex have in common? syrup."
quotes[93]="These people think that they're so cool driving around in their cars."
quotes[94]="I can't stop touching it, it feels so good"
quotes[95]="He's speaking in tongue!"
quotes[96]="I wish that I was a drug so that people would do ME all the time."
quotes[97]="They're 100% soy so you could eat them if you wanted to."
quotes[97]="Thou shall not cover thy ass"
quotes[98]="I believe in fairness, that's why I watch FOX news."
quotes[99]="I wish life had copy and paste."
quotes[100]="Wrap your wacker before you attack her"
quotes[101]="Cover your stump before you hump"
quotes[102]="Don't be silly... Protect your willie."
quotes[103]="Wrap it in foil before checking her oil."
quotes[104]="If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it."
quotes[105]="Happiness is the dentist telling you that a root canal won't hurt, then him getting his hand caught in the drill"
quotes[106]="Herpes: the gift that keeps on giving."
quotes[107]="Rules are made to be broken"
quotes[108]="Beware... I'm full of tarradiddles"
quotes[109]="i herd you liek mudkipz"
quotes[110]="Did you know gullable is not in the dictionary?"

Im having a thing for random humor:
wow you really put the whore in whorehouse